So, I got a call from my assistant Natalie around six this morning (which is no big deal, because by that time I had been up for around three hours) and spent the next five minutes trying to calm her down enough so she could coherently tell me what was wrong. I figured it had something to do with my brother (as it usually does as of late), but I was completely off:
As it turns out, her Miniature Schnauzer Poundcake died sometime last night when she was sleeping.
And she told me a few hours ago that she wants to have a funeral. A legitimate, human-like funeral. And she wants me to not only come but to say a few words. Needless to say, this is going to be a first for me.
See, aren’t you glad you’re not a Nichols? This is my life. I swear I need to start a reality show or something. If I ever get famous, watch out motherfuckers. It’s gonna happen. My life is just so strange…
Oh! Speaking of my life, do you have any idea how many serious, revealing Patreon posts I’ve put out so far? Here they are (and none of the titles is click-bait. They are all accurate, serious titles):
My Gaming Collection
My Three Favorite Types of Porn
My Real-Life Day Job (It’s Not Writing)
How I Write A Book
How I Lost My Virginity
I love this Patreon thing so far. If you haven’t subscribed yet, seriously, think about it. It would mean a lot to me. Only $1 a month will get you access to all those posts, and if you choose to subscribe at a higher level, you get hella-cool perks. Here’s the breakdown:
Patron: $1 or more per month. Thank you for supporting me! For donating at this level, you’ll gain access to my real thoughts and musings, of which I post on Patreon – and only on Patreon – several times a week. Unedited, unfiltered. You’ll also gain access to the Community, where I hold hour-long Q&A sessions once a week, usually on Sundays from 3PM-4PM (Central time).
It is common knowledge that I post publicly about my daily life on Patreon. What is not so commonly known is that because they are public posts, I am forced to keep it reasonably PG. If you want to get in my head and see what I honestly think about things, well, that’s only something you can do as a Patron or higher…
Voyeur: $5 or more per month. So, you like to watch. That’s good. Healthy even. And definitely fun.
In addition to receiving the above Patron reward, you will also receive – for free – every episode of my episodic erotica series, Voyeur, which is released on a regular basis. Everyone else will have to pay for it…
Initiate: $10 or more per month. You really want indoctrinated in the ways of the kink, don’t you? This is a good thing, a very good thing.
As an Initiate you will have access to my current story development, from Step 1 all the way to Step 7. Three times a week (usually on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday) I’ll upload the entire development step of whatever book I’m currently working on for you to see (and critique, if you so choose). In other words, you’ll get an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at story crafting, Alexa-style, something only Initiates or better can claim.
Of course, you’ll also get the rewards a Patron and Voyeur get on top of that.
Life is good for my Initiates…
Disciple: $15 or more per month. Recognition awaits you, my Disciple.
Not only do you receive all of the above benefits, but you will also be credited on my website, in my monthly newsletter, and in every book I publish for as long as you’re a Disciple.
Feel the love!
Devotee: $20 or more per month. My Devotees deserved to be rewarded.
Not only will you get all of the above rewards, but you’ll also receive a free advanced digital copy of every book I release while you’re still a member. You’ll get it minimum a week before the rest of the world – sometimes even sooner. And for free.
You can’t beat free.
Scholar: $25 or more per month. Being studious in the ways of the kink comes with its rewards.
Not only do you get all of the above, but you also get to choose any paperback in my arsenal and I’ll send you a signed copy of it.
For studying purposes.
I may send something extra, too. As, you know, a study aid. 😉
VIP (Voraciously Indulgent Pornographer): $30 or more per month.
VIPs get it all. You’ll get all the above rewards, of course, but you’ll also get one exclusive to the VIP tier: a custom short story. You get to dictate the characters, setting, and plot (if you want), and (as long as you keep it within the realms of legality), I’ll write it for you! You can even make yourself a character in the story if you want!
But wait, there’s more!
Every month you’re a member at this level will also score you a free audiobook code that works with ANY audiobook on Audible, regardless of author or price.
You are a VIP after all…
And there they are. All my Patreon plans and perks laid bare. If any of you have any suggestions, let me know – I’m open to all recommendations! 🙂
Anyway, I need to go do some more work on a certain supernatural romance (a short story) involving a long-haired blonde dying werewolf for a certain Patreon of mine… and to help Natalie plan Poundcakes funeral…
My life is so strange. 😁
“Yes, exercise is the catalyst. That’s what makes everything happen: your digestion, your elimination, your sex life, your skin, hair, everything about you depends on circulation. And how do you increase circulation?”
– Jack LaLanne