Getting stabbed to death, and why I was beaten over cheesy 70s porn music…

 

Dear Diary,

So, there I was, working on the green revision of Devious Bitches (which means if you’re a member of my Patreon or Subscribestar.adult, you’ll be reading it soon! 🙌), rubbing my sore, beat up arm where my Baby Squirrel hit me repeatedly. For barely any reason at all. She hit me so hard I now have bruises! And every time I type, it flexes a bit, which makes it hurt. She’s abusive, y’all. And obviously racist towards redheads.

 

I mean, I suppose she had a reason to hit me…

 

See, I like to play practical jokes on the people I love. I’ve been like this since I was little(r), and I entirely blame my big brother for this. It all started when we were playing hide and seek, and I had the bright idea to hide in the dryer. There I was, feeling all smug after about five minutes because I could hear him going from room to room, searching for me… then all of a sudden, my world went ballistic.

He turned the dryer on. Even as I was tumbling, I vowed revenge. I was hell-bent determined to get his ass back.

I plotted for days, going back and forth on the best way to really shake him, to somehow break him down and get him to admit that I got him better than he got me. After hours of plotting, researching, and discussing with my friends, I came up with the perfect plan: I was going to kill myself.

It was a foolproof plan.

I made sure to come home earlier than him one day after school and ran to the kitchen, grabbing the biggest butcher knife I could find, then went to work.

 

Fast forward about 30 minutes.

 

Like I knew he would, my big brother walked in and went straight to the kitchen to get something to eat. And froze. There I was, on the kitchen floor, shirt torn, blood everywhere, with a butcher knife sticking out my chest.

I had my eyes closed, so I couldn’t see what he was doing, but I heard him gasp. I couldn’t hear him moving. He flipped out. I heard him make this weird gasping sound, then I was in his arms. He was shaking, freaking, and quickly elevated to crying.

I know this will sound evil as all hell, but I literally couldn’t stop myself from laughing. I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself, and my brother, alarmed, tossed me to the side and got to his feet, stunned. I had made a large batch of fake blood the night before, see, and made sure I slashed up one of my older t-shirts and… the rest is history. I got that motherfucker so good. He was pissed at me for a long time, but it was so worth it. 😄

You’re probably wondering why I told you all that. Well, see, I recently pissed off my Baby Squirrel (👶🐿) by changing her ringtone to something that sounded like cheesy 70s porn music (complete with sex sounds) and turning her ringtone volume all the way up. Then, while she was getting set up for her chemo treatment, I called her. While the nurse was hooking her up. Right next to her. The entire floor cracked up.

She looked right at me – me! – and smacked me hard. Like, why would she even think little angelic me would be the guilty party? She is such a redhead racist… anyway, here’s a quick recipe for fake blood I yanked from Epicurious.com:

 

YIELD: Makes about 1 cup

 

INGREDIENTS

• 3/4 cup corn syrup
• 1/4 cup water
• 1/2 teaspoon red food coloring
• 5 drops blue food coloring
• 2 drops green food coloring
• 1 tablespoon corn starch

 

PREPARATION

In a small bowl, whisk together the corn syrup and water. Add the red, blue, and green food colorings and whisk until well combined. Whisk in the corn starch and let the liquid sit for 10 minutes to thicken.

 

Have fun. 😏

#Alexaliens

 

“I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I’d rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He doesn’t mind.”

– Megan Fox

 

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