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Dear Diary,

Something most people know about me: I’m a sensitive person. Things can quickly get to my heart, often before I have a chance to filter them through my mind. Which means I’m quick to feel a whole bevy of emotions: anger, love, disappointment, elation, excitement, fear.

Something you might not know about me: I’m a very list-oriented person. I have a task manager filled with repeating tasks, make checklists for the things I want to do (even on my days off), and absolutely will not stop until every single one of them is done. I’m analytical to a fault, something the people close to me remind me of on a near-daily basis.

Some call me a contradiction. They’re not wrong.

You may be wondering how the two traits live in the same house, and the answer is: not very well. When something affects me, I immediately start analyzing it, extrapolating what caused the event in the first place, why I feel the way I do, and if my emotions and reactions are justified or not. It’s insane. Of course, I eventually calm down and become (somewhat) wiser because of it. But while I’m going through all of that? It’s mind-numbing.

Something happened a while back that I shared with a close friend of mine, and it kind of illuminates me as a person. And my brother:

I was feeling miserable. Mentally and emotionally. I don’t know why, I just started having a mild panic attack. I get those sometimes. Anyway, I was in the bath, soaking, being miserable, and in walks my big brother. (No, this is not weird. He’s probably seen me naked more than clothed at this point, so nothing about me phases him anymore. 😅) Anyway. He sat on the floor beside the bath and kind of just chilled for a bit, his big bald head resting on the bathroom wall inches away from mine.

For the longest time, he didn’t say anything – he just sat there. It was comfortable with him there, and I felt the panic and negativity kind of just drain out of me. All because he was there. Finally, he turned to me with that constant stoic expression of his and said: “You know I love you, right?”

I said I knew.

He kind of just nodded and stared back at the wall.

Then he said something that threw me: “Don’t be a sea cucumber, alright?”

I kind of laughed and asked him what the fuck he was talking about.

He told me to go look up how they defend themselves. He then kissed me on the side of the head (a rare show of affection from him!) and got up and walked out.

When I got out of the bath, I jumped on the computer and looked up how the fuck sea cucumbers defend themselves. Well. Apparently, sea cucumbers shoot their intestines and organs at an enemy to disorient them and escape. It’s called evisceration, or autotomy (the removal of your own body part). This doesn’t kill them, strangely, because they can dedifferentiate cells. To simplify, they end up regrowing all their lost organs. But it takes time.

I mulled this over. I think what my brother was trying to tell me was to not bleed so much of myself into what I do, into my life, and to take things easier and more light-hearted. Because I always recuperate when I do, but… you know… it takes time. Time I could avoid taking if I didn’t always go 1,000%.

He’s like a big white Yoda sometimes, I swear. 😅

So why am I writing all this? Because we’re going through crazy times right now, and my initial reaction was to panic and go into sea cucumber mode. But I didn’t. And you shouldn’t either. This, too, shall pass, it’s simply a matter of time. As Brandon Lee says in one of my favorite movies of all time, The Crow: “It can’t rain all the time.”

I love you all. Thank you for reading.

Stay safe.

And smiling. 😊

#Alexa

 

🛑 DO THE FIVE

Help stop coronavirus

HANDS: Wash them often.

ELBOW: Cough into it.

FACE: Don’t touch it.

SPACE: Keep safe distance.

HOME: Stay if you can.

 

💡 The More You Know 💡

There’s a reason you can’t stop thinking about that special new guy or girl in your life: MRI scans have shown that falling in love sends blood rushing to the “pleasure center” areas of the brain—the same areas that are responsible for obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Falling in love also lowers serotonin levels, which is common in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, says Mary Lynn, DO, co-director of the Loyola Sexual Wellness Clinic at Loyola University in Chicago. “This may explain why we concentrate on little other than our partner during the early stages of a relationship,” she says, and also why we tend to idealize new partners and turn a blind eye to their faults.

 

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2 Comments

  1. Lamar on 30th March 2020 at 9:18 pm

    That’s a good one about not being a sea cucumber!

    Stay safe, Alexa!

  2. Richie on 31st March 2020 at 10:55 am

    Hey Alexa, I hope everybody in your world stays safe and healthy during this crisis. And yes, “this too shall pass!”

    Stay well

    Kinky Richie

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