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Anne’s boobies, comfortable ignorance, and being a Terminator!

Dear Diary,

So a few days ago, I was sitting next to Anne while she was going through yet another chemo treatment, and, for some reason, I was more insightful (and emo) than usual. I had my laptop out with the intent to work but found myself having a difficult time concentrating. So, I sent out the following tweet:



I meant every word of it. The randomness and harshness of Life can truly be terrifying if you think about it too long. I mean, we only have so long on this earth, you know? And none of us knows when our time is up. It’s something I think about often, and is my one genuine fear: Death.

No, I’m not a Christian or any other religion. I have no idea why we’re here, where we’re going when we die, or where we came from. I am comfortably ignorant if that makes any sense. This is why Death gets to me sometimes. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not existing. One of my favorite expressions by Andrew Smith is, “People fear what they don’t understand and hate what they can’t conquer.” I can honestly say I both Fear and Hate Death. Logically I understand that all things must die, and I understand the benefits and logistics of this happening, but tell my heart that. Tell my heart that the woman I’m sitting next to might not be here tomorrow if she loses this fight, that she will simply not exist anymore.

And then tell me how that will be a good thing.

I mean, Anne’s not only one of my best friends, but I’ve known the girl for a little over 18 years. We’ve been through a lot together—more than I will ever publicly admit. Initially, when we found out she had breast cancer (about three months ago), I didn’t want to share the news with anyone, even though she said she didn’t mind. I relaxed a little and talked to my Patreon members about it, and it felt good. Refreshing, if that makes any sense.

Maybe I need to open up and talk about things more often. I dunno. That’s not something I usually do; in fact, when walloped by Life, I tend to clam up and get ridiculously analytical, almost machine-like in my focus to beat whatever it is that’s going against me. I call it Terminator mode. It’s served me well through the years. Except with something like this, where there’s abso-fucking-lutely nothing I can do. That is humbling as hell to someone like me, let me tell you…

Anyway, I know this is a bit overly introspective entry, but I am treating this like an actual diary, not a blog – hence the name. So deal with it, motherfuckers.

Oh yeah, and: I love you.

All of you.

And thank you for reading and being a part of my little digital world. 🥰




💡 The More You Know 💡

This year, an estimated 42,170 women will die from breast cancer in the U.S.

Although rare, men get breast cancer too. In 2020, an estimated 2,620 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year in the U.S., and approximately 520 will die.


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  1. Lamar on October 29, 2020 at 6:16 pm

    Cancer is truly a bitch. 😑

    Share as much as you like cause you’ll know that tomorrow maybe too late.

    • Lamar on October 29, 2020 at 6:17 pm

      Never know, I meant to add.

      And I love you too, Alexa.

    • Alexa Nichols on October 29, 2020 at 9:03 pm


    • John Nelson on November 2, 2020 at 11:50 pm

      Life is such a miraculous thing, alone, that I have a hard time relegating the soul to one shot at existence and then nothingness. One of the ways in which science and theology may complement each other is in how things in our physical universe tend not to be destroyed, but rather change form. I suspect that that may apply to living beings as well, especially if we start talking multiverse and parallel dimensions. I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. It’s sad when death separates us from friends, ..but death comes eventually to us all, and a friend going on ahead could be a friendly face for you at the arrival platform when your time comes. I find comfort in looking at it in that way.

      • Alexa Nichols on November 3, 2020 at 11:10 am

        I’m glad that you’ve made peace with the after, and have theories about what happens when we pass. It’s good to have beliefs such as yours. 😊

        • John Nelson on November 4, 2020 at 12:58 am

          Not theories. They are nothing more than visceral gut-feelings/ instinct on my part. The gold and iron in your blood which flows through your veins/ body came from an exploding star billions of years ago. The matter in our universe is not/ are not destroyed so much as they change form. I cannot see why we would be different.

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