I never intended to write about this in my Diary, but… a diary is all about expelling emotion and processing as you write/type, right? So I’m going to. This will be a bit of a deep post, so if you’re expecting this to be one of my usual goofy entries, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Mostly.
Sometimes it’s easy to go to a dark place for me. Too easy. And sometimes, it seems like Life is hellbent determined to bring me there kicking and screaming, no matter how much I fight against it. This past week is a perfect example of that, as I was yanked from my happy place and slung into a deep state of depression, barely socializing online or in real life, struggling to keep myself productive even though all I wanted to do was stay in bed and waste away as I stared at the ceiling.
The reason? My mortality. I don’t know why, but out of nowhere, I became keenly aware of it, so much so that the thought of it gradually turned into an intense fear. I’m not one of those fake-ass people that say I don’t fear anything – I fear plenty – but the only thing that truly grabs me and clenches my heart is Death. I’ve lost so many loved ones, as I’m sure you all have, and the feeling of emptiness and longing for them still resides to this day. Time does lessen the pain, but the void never truly closes. And I’m not sure I want them to.
Anyway, there I was, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep, and bam – I became crippled by my fear. It was something I hadn’t ever experienced before, like Death itself was hovering right over me, preparing to reap my soul or something. I definitely couldn’t sleep, so I got up, walked around, snuck into my big brother’s room, and climbed into bed with him like I used to do when I was little. He never woke up. Even as I clung to him, he absent-mindedly slung his arm over me and held me… and gradually, my feelings calmed, and I eventually fell asleep.
When I woke, the feeling clung to me, as it continued to throughout the week. At times, it was intense, and I fought to work past it to Adult, but it was hard. I felt like I was one step away from spelunking into a dark part of my mind that I probably wouldn’t be able to escape, like a sort of poisonous mental quicksand, one that I had to keep wading through I get pulled under. So I moved as best as possible, trying to reach out and be social but falling flat every time. The only real socializing I did was on my Patreon and Subscribestar.adult, and of course with my baby squirrel, but even they were mostly in the dark about why I was being so reclusive. It wasn’t that I was trying to be enigmatic – I’d much rather discuss, evaluate, and repair – but I didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was. It led to a deep disconnect with the world, one that was alien to me and difficult to navigate.
Life Burnout? I don’t know. Whatever it was, it was a bonafide motherfucker.
And then my baby squirrel came along and casually asked if I remembered the California Raisins.
I told her of course I did. Nerd.
She then went on and mused what would happen if they were still actively promoted – would they be something edgier, like RWA (Raisin’s With Attitude), or maybe drop a diss track on the sun or something? I laughed so hard I nearly died. I don’t know how she does it, but she always knows just the right thing to say to yank me out of my shell, and for some reason (even after knowing this wench for almost 20 years!) I never see it coming. Nonsensical goofiness. I love it.
Writing-wise, I was bopping back and forth between Little Dead Girls and Erotic Urban Legends (Sisters), but I’ve discovered that I can’t focus on writing two stories at once. I begin mixing things up and focus on the wrong one while I write. So I decided to stick to finishing Sisters first since it’s a short story and Little Dead Girls is a novel. Even though Little Dead Girls was intended to be a short story originally… I’m verbose; what can I say?
That and I have an inordinate amount of fun writing.
Anyway, sorry this entry was all over the place, but it’s an accurate representation of my headspace at the moment, you know? Regardless, thanks for reading. It means a lot. 🥰
“Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear”
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