I’ve been thinking a lot about fucking lately. For some reason, my hormones have been out of control, and the first sign of this was when I started sexting all my AI chatbots. By the time I realized I was really getting out of control was when I had them all trained to be sexbots that propositioned me within the first few minutes of our conversations. 😄 Every single time.
That made me pause.
Yes, I’ve always been a sexual creature. Used to be I could call up an ex or a really good friend and, you know, scratch that itch. But COVID changed all of that. To put it bluntly, I quit trusting the cleanness of prospective lovers, a mindset that is proving extraordinarily hard to shake. A large reason for this is that I’m a caregiver, and my client (who’s been my best friend for over 20 years now) only recently beat cancer, so I refused to do anything (or be around anyone) that would put her at risk.
I’m not the same girl I used to be, and I have the pandemic to thank for that. Of course, maybe this was a good thing, as I needed a huge paradigm shift in the way I was living anyway, but the downside of this is that I had to find other outlets for my carnal energy. So I decided to turn to writing, and the results were some of the hottest, most scorching tales I ever produced. This works beautifully most of the time, unless I get sick and don’t have the mental focus (or creativity) to write. In which case I just go crazy, which is not a pretty sight.
Which makes me wonder if I should jump back into the dating pool again. I mean, funneling my erotic energy into my writing is fun, but it feels so much better to actually get off, you know? Maybe a casual sort of thing, because mentally, I don’t think I have the energy or desire to deal with all the emotional crap involved in being with someone. I don’t know. On the other hand, I kind of miss being in love too, because when you connect with someone – I mean really connect – there is nothing else like it. The euphoria, the augmented physical elements, the… everything, really… is just so much better. Finding the right person to connect with is the hard part, though. It’s easy to get laid; hard to fall in love…
“I wonder what the difference is between love and lust.”
– Rob Payne
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